So last week we left off at the first trimester. I wish I could say that things got better during the second, but it did not. I was still in the mind of denial. I was in denial about how things were changing and things were NOT about me anymore. During this trimester my then girlfriend said to me “If I have to choose between you and this baby, I choose the baby”. That’s how bad things were with me. I was in desperate need of therapy but I did not know it. In my mind I was still hanging on to the idea of my girlfriend and I’s relationship not changing and how things were going to go back to normal soon. I was not done enjoying her and in my head we did not get to have enough time together just the two of us. You see, back then we were both in the military. This means that we spent a lot of time apart in our relationship. In fact, up until that point, our relationship had been long distance except for a few months here and there that we truly got to be together without her deploying or me deploying. So because of this I felt like it was not fair that our time as a couple was cut short. We both wanted a baby, yes but I don’t think that I could really wrap my head around that until it was right in front of me and that is when I knew I was not ready. I was not ready to give up that life of just us. The life of her and I. The life where she spoiled me with affection every time we were together. I mean, we could not keep our hands off each other. Whats more, this relationship that I was in with my girlfriend taught me so many things and the one thing in particular was how a relationship was supposed to be like. All love. All affection. All the things that I had been deprived of in previous relationships. I am just trying to paint a picture here of why it was so difficult for me to let go of this.
So when my girlfriend said to me that she would choose the baby over me that is when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was in shock. What do you mean it’s not about me? So as cheesy as it may sound, I cried myself to sleep lots of nights. Silently, without making a sound. And let’s get real….when one sobs there is a lot of snot and tears and just ugliness that I had to hide. Many nights she did not know that I cried. One day she felt my face and it was all wet with tears and she exploded. “WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!” She was angry. I don’t know why. She went off and said to me that I have no reason to cry. That she was the one that was supposed to because she was going through it. I mean, I guess it was true. So I went to the bathroom and composed myself.
Nobody every really says how bitchy pregnant women are. Sure, sure, hormones and all of that. But whyyyyyyyy. It’s like there is some unwritten rule that says pregnant women have a pass to say whatever without regard to anyone’s feelings.
One day I found myself googling “why are pregnant women so mean” and all of the online forums said something along the lines of “well you need to be patient blah blah blah” or “deal with it”. I found these things hard to digest and it made me even more angry. What gave pregnant women the right to be assholes to their significant others? So I kept butting heads with her. Everyday.
Due to this, I fell into a deep depression. I could not tell my girlfriend because she felt no sympathy for me. I don’t know why. One day she went to go have lunch with her mom and I stayed behind. That day I was ready to take my life. It was that bad for me. I did not want to be in this volatile relationship but I could not leave because what kind of person would I be? So I laid on the kitchen floor with a medical blade in my hand ready to do it.
Come back next week for part 3 of this Non-Bio Mom series.